I have found what I want for my birthday! (just kidding). This rules as dumb product of the day.
For only $500, you too can have a great phone with these features:
You can save up to four speed dial numbers in the bear, one in each paw, which are activated by pinching internal sensors. It vibrates and makes custom noises for incoming calls, which can be answered and finished by pressing the tail. Read more about this product here.